Modern parents seem incapable of raising their children without reaching for a book detailing some sort of program, schedule, or method developed by an 'expert'. I was one of those parents. Inundated by the advice of others 'Oh you MUST read Dr. Weissbluth', or 'Happiest Baby On The Block' changed my life! or 'If you ever want to sleep again you must train your baby - BABYWISE them!' I quickly acquired a stack of baby care books, baby play books and baby sleep books. My first baby, my sweet little daughter was a very demanding infant. At least as a brand-new mom who couldn't remember actually ever changing a diaper in my life and had never seen anyone breastfeed I was confused and overwhelmed at how much one tiny little baby cried, how hard she was to burp, how little she slept and how she was happy in just one place - on my chest.
When I first read 'Babywise' I thought I had found the answer to life! I think I remember crying with relief. Finally somebody made it so straightforward and simple with a to-the-minute schedule of the day detailing exactly what to do with my baby to make her healthy, happy and sleep like a tank through the night. Sweet!
Not so sweet for my poor baby, who didn't understand why I was laying her down and walking away from her while she cried, or attempting to keep her awake a little longer when she was clearly sleepy, and holding off for 15 minutes to feed her because the clock said it wasn't time yet. It wasn't long until it was obvious to me this method had a whole lot of holes in it.
I had been especially swayed by the first chapter of the book, where Ezzo emphasizes the marriage relationship as the foundation of the family. Well of course! My husband and I are the glue that holds it all together, in fact none of these other little people would even be here if it weren't for our connection and our first responsibility to our children is to stay together and stay in love so we can best provide and care for them. TOGETHER. The solidarity of our relationship gives our children their ultimate sense of security. But over time, I began to see how Gary Ezzo twists this beautiful family structure to a point where the husband-wife relationship is so elevated that children become antagonists, their sinful demands needing to be controlled to conform to our expectations and adult needs.
I am not interested in criticizing parents who use Babywise and sing it's praises. I assume people are being posh, using their brains and taking the best of any advice that speaks to them and employing it with caution, carefully modifying to fit the needs of their individual child.
But....I take issue with Gary Ezzo!
Starting with the conflicting messages through the book which get more confusing the more modified editions are released in effort to back-track on his extreme views.
'Don't feed your baby on demand, but feed them when they are hungry' What what??? umm...isn't that the same thing? If I'm supposed to feed my baby when they are hungry it makes more sense to me to anticipate their need and offer them milk when they start doing that cute little rooting thing with their mouth, long BEFORE they start crying. And does it really matter that I just nursed them for an hour 30 minutes ago if it's obvious they want to nurse and my swelling breasts are giving me the same message? An infant tummy is so tiny, Ezzo is so concerned with a mother getting 'full feedings' in her baby to create a few hours until she has to nurse again that he fails to recognize how fast babies eliminate what they eat and how quickly an empty tummy causes them discomfort. Ezzo's infant feeding plan gets well-deserved criticism for causing failure to thrive in infants, as his schedule of spaced-out timed feedings ends up a few meals shy of what the American Academy of Pediatrics recommends an infant get on demand through a 24-hour period.
And really, is 'feeding' the only thing that makes my breasts so attractive to my baby? Nursing is about SO much more than just nutrition! There is so much loving and learning happening when your baby is at your breast, so much hormonal balancing, emotional growth and physical rest. For BOTH mother and baby the benefits of constant closeness and natural nursing based on need far outweigh the benefits of any arbitrary schedule. Babywise not only fails to recognize the importance of comfort nursing, it paints your infant as your adversary for having this basic need for closeness and erroneously warns that you will spoil your child with comfort. Complete craziness!
What's also crazy and downright cruel in it's manipulation of insecure parents is the contrast of the two fictional babies whose stories are woven throughout the book. One a perfect Babywise baby who is happy, eats huge meals when food is offered on her expected schedule, sleeps through the night at just a few weeks of age and has happy, well-rested confident parents. In comparison is her nightmare terror cousin whose parents cater to her every whim, feeding her 'snacks' anytime she is hungry, never putting her down for naps consistently and live a mess of self-created chaos, exhausted and at the mercy of their selfish demanding child. Ezzo completely misconstrues the Attachment Parenting philosophy and presents a false choice, misleading good-hearted people who want so badly to do the best thing for their family.
He consistently demeans the needs of infants and emphasizes the importance of adult needs, one example is when he suggests it could be appropriate to veer from the schedule and feed your baby before it's time when you are on an airplane and your fussy baby is disturbing other passengers. What WHAT?? So pleasing random strangers is an important guide to decide how and when to meet the needs of my baby? This illustration is one of the first that sent red flags running for me, the theme of a child being a nuisance that must be controlled to please adults became more disheartening the more I read.
The Ezzo's have (and clearly need) a website to defend themselves, the opening testimony posted on their home page is most revealing of Ezzo's true feelings regarding infant humans. This family praises the Babywise method for blessing them by making it seem that 'it was not like having a baby in the family at all'. I have to ask, what's so wrong with having a baby in the family when your child IS A BABY? Newborns are are SO incredible! Yes they are a lot of work but it's a short time to cherish as truly there are few things in life endearing as a wrinkly little wiley-eyed new baby with their soft sugar-sack bodies, sweet little spastic arms and rooting little lips, desperately needing your attention and affection. Infants run purely on instincts in their fight for survival and for them it is as basic as 'I am small and you are big - hold me, protect me!' Doesn't everyone, from the fetal to the geriatric stage deserve appropriate care and respect, especially in the most vulnerable of times?
My biggest beef with Babywise has got to be the hijacking of Christianity. Earth to Ezzo.....Christianity began with forgiveness and an empty tomb, no need to be so Old Testament dude! Relax. Ezzo manipulates his Christian audience by promoting his method as 'God's Way' and it's clear he thinks parents should exercise God-like control over their sin-natured little ones. But isn't Christianity about Jesus? What did Jesus say about children, and how did He treat them? He acted in an incredibly compassionate way towards all people but especially the smallest ones, giving them the most amazing of His grace. Can you imagine Jesus Christ walking away from a distressed infant saying 'I let them cry it out and I love it! It's good for them!'?? A sentiment I've seen expressed on too many pro-Babywise blogs and forums. It's a conundrum how a method based on such an un-Christlike attitude is so popular among Christians. What is the true role of a Christian parent, and how is TRUE authority best achieved? It's the great paradox of serving to lead. Christian parents can be confident in kicking Babywise to the curb and looking no further than the example of Jesus Christ, basing their parenting principles in grace.
My daughter taught me so much about the legitimate needs of a baby and how amazingly, serving her needs resulted in meeting my own. Her little brother taught me more, and my identical twin sons are teaching me even more about how wonderfully unique every child is and how I'm capable of more than I think I am. My babies and I are happiest when I carry them close, when they are fed when they are hungry, and when I help them sleep when they are sleepy. Sleeping with them in my arms or on my chest did take a little getting used to, but it's how we all found the rest we needed through those early erratic months. Trusting that my babies know when they are tired and when they are hungry resulted in them creating a pretty predictable routine for themselves that is not too far off Ezzo's schedule anyway. Newborns can only comfortably stay awake for an hour or two and a basic rhythm of 'Eat Play Sleep' is a pretty natural development too, in time. No need to force it! I have also found that rocking and nursing a baby to sleep is bliss for both parties.
I'm not going to tell anyone exactly how to parent their child, only to find your expert within. You may not know it but you know far more about your baby than anyone else does, and YOUR BABY IS THE BEST BOOK! Observe and listen to them, they will tell you what they need and you are capable of giving it to them.
Let compassion guide your response, be loving, be gentle, give grace and enjoy your baby! Being a parent is the poshest job around!
Bravo! My grandfather in law said it best to me one day when I was agonizing over something when my firstborn was new, "People have been parenting long before books were ever written telling them how to do it. Trust yourself." Sage advice. :) I still read parenting books, but only ones that affirm my belief that you should attend to your child's needs, treat your baby like a human being and not a thing to control, and to respect their needs as you would your own or your partner's! (and I'm pretty sure I got half the titles from your recs as the years have passed!) xo
ReplyDeleteThanks Cat! How lucky you are to have such a wise grandfather in law! My MIL kept telling me 'I was overthinking it and making it harder than it needed to be....she was SO right!' I also still love to read parenting books, I find the subject so fascinating. :) xoxo
ReplyDeleteKATIE! This is SO brilliant! I just wrote a lengthy comment and then lost everything! :( I'll be back soon to rewrite all that. It's good because I'll get to read it again- even though Ive read it about 5 times already. Thanks for your wisdom mama!
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for your encouragement Mary! Ugh that's the worst when you type out long thoughts and your computer betrays you! :) Can't wait to hear more of your thoughts! Xoxo
ReplyDeleteThank you for such a well written piece! So much that I would want to say myself, but you did a much better job.
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad to have another resource to forward to anyone who asks me what I think of Babywise.
I'm pretty sure Mary didn't feed Jesus on a schedule since clocks didn't exist back then.
ReplyDeleteThank you Teglene! And ITA Tina, I also cannot imagine denying Jesus the breast. lol. Or making Him cry Himself to sleep!
ReplyDeleteKatherine, I followed the babywise method and it did work really well for us. My daughter slept through the night at about a week old which made it easier for me once my husband went back to work. (he worked 2-3 days at a time without coming home) The whole point is getting them on a schedule so that you aren't just letting them cry it out. They get used to a routine and stick to it. It makes life a little more normal with an infant. I honestly don't think that Ezzo was trying in anyway to suggest that we shouldn't cherish our baby's time as a newborn, but that there is a way to train them so life is easier on the mom. He also mentions in the book that the schedule isn't meant to be so rigid that it can never be changed a little. Babywise may not be meant for everyone, but it certainly isn't cruel to the baby, as my daughter has always been the happiest little thing, and I think part of that is due to the babywise method. Sorry for ranting, but I don't think that someone should say a whole method is bad, when every baby is different. I don't condemn mothers who feed on demand, and I don't think they should condemn me for having my baby on a schedule. I loved holding my daughter while she slept and often would fall asleep with her in my bed while nursing. I certainly loved her the utmost. Because I was willing to let her cry when she was put to bed sometimes (my limit for letting a baby CIO is about 15 minutes) at 6 months she started sleeping 12 hours at night and has continued to do so. She goes down in her crib at night and almost never cries. Babywise is to be a guideline, but I do believe in following my instincts as a mother and if I feel my baby needs me, I would never ignore them. I have seen the babywise method work so much, and I have never been the mother who never gets enough sleep. So many mothers get worn out because they are up all night. You also mentioned that babies are underweight due to the scheduling, but my daughter is pretty much just where she should be. I believe in the book Ezzo says to feed every 3 hours, but to not let them sleep through the night until they are several weeks old. If that is the case then you would be feeding them 8 times a day, which is what was recommended to me when my daughter was born. After she was sleeping through the night she was still eating 6 times a day, at least once every 3 hours. She also would eat 3-4 ounces instead of the 1 or so ounces that a lot of babies drink every hour. If you tried babywise and it didn't work for you, that is fine, but it has worked for some people, myself included.
ReplyDeleteHey Donna, thanks for sharing your experience with Babywise. Sounds like you feel confident in following your instincts with your daughter, that's great. Like I said, you're the expert as far as how many ounces your baby drinks when and how long it takes her to get used to crying to sleep. I'm concerned with the faulty theology behind Gary Ezzo's ideas and his lack of understanding of infant development, breastfeeding, and women's health.
ReplyDeleteMy philosophy has always been if you want a full night's sleep, don't have a baby! If you want to train something, get a puppy. As adults, I think we need to be the ones altering our lives to accommodate our babies, not the other way around! I haven't slept more than 2 hours straight for almost 5 years now, and I function just fine (and yes, I have a job)!
ReplyDeletePeople can try to spin it however they want, but if their baby is left alone to cry, then they as a parent aren't meeting their needs. The baby isn't crying just for the fun of it. They will soon learn that Mommy isn't going to help them when they cry, so they don't bother any more. To me, when a mother does not feed her baby when he is hungry, that is neglect.
I'm there with Donna. Babywise was great for all 4 of my little ones. The trick is routine not clock watching. And yes, you make room for crazy days. It's not like you have a drill sergeant waiting for you to "give in". All my babes slept through the night by 8 weeks. I did sleep with them but not where they were dependent on it. I did rock them, but not where they were dependent on it. I also laid them down and walked away, because it worked for some cases. It made it easy to tell if they were sick, growing, teething, or just having a bad day when things weren't as routine. It helped me read my babies, not get frustrated as to why they weren't doing what I thought they should be. Feedings moved around and so did nap times, but we were, for the most part consistent. Those that I've talked to, where Babywise did not work, were those who watched the clock like a hawk. At that point, you've missed the point. As much as I loved this method, I'm also huge on finding what works for your family. No one should feel pressured into a method or ideal way. Each family makes rules and boundaries that best fit them and it should be the same with loving your baby and introducing them into the family dynamics.
ReplyDeleteWe did Babywise. . . thought it worked GREAT. But really? It was awful for all of us.
ReplyDeleteBut the way the book is written (and the "encouragement" from other BW moms) kept conveying the message that it was all the mom's fault for not doing it "right"... you still hear that from the Ezzos and Babywise cheerleaders.
Thanks for your well-written critique of BW. Like you said, the underlying philosophy is not in line with Biblical Christianity, and the medical misinformation puts a lot of infants at risk.
And, sadly, most of the parents I know who thought it "worked great!" at first, later came to regret using it. . .
I don't think that this is one of those whatever-works-for-you propositions. Dr. William Sears has info on how intentionally leaving a baby to cry as a teaching tool can literally cause brain damage in that baby..... http://www.askdrsears.com/topics/fussy-baby/science-says-excessive-crying-could-be-harmful ..... I don't see how it can be ok for some parents to choose this method of childrearing. Can we think of any other instance where society adopts a "whatever-works-for-you" attitude for a childrearing practice that has been shown to cause damage to the child?
ReplyDeleteErin I agree that as adults we are stronger than than our babies and it's most practical for us to accommodate them rather than the other way around.
ReplyDeleteRachel I'm glad you followed your intuition and for the most part let your babies guide you, rather than let the clock guide your babies!
TulipGirl! I have read so much of what you have written on this subject, thank you for all the work you do to raise awareness of the dangers of Ezzo's parenting advice, and thank you so much for commenting here!
JJ you ask an excellent question. I do not feel right about getting into the details and passing judgment on what another mother does, I want to give people the benefit of the doubt that they are doing their best. Too many mothers find themselves caring for their babies all alone, with little consistent support like Donna mentioned. This is a huge problem and probably the biggest that contributes to making a parent feel like their baby's needs and their own needs are at odds. I truly believe with pregnancy, birth, and childcare that following natural instincts busts through that myth of 'us vs them' that Ezzo perpetuates.
And yes it is a great cause for concern that Ezzo's advice is so unsound, going against not only natural instincts but everything that pediatricians, lactation consultants, and psychologists know about infant development. Thanks for posting the link to Dr. Sears, he's an excellent resource!
I'm not yet a mom (or even pregnant yet) but you took the words right out of my mouth! I was forced to read this book in college for a childhood development class and I had to write a paper on it. You said everything I wanted to say. However I had to remain unbiased in my paper :( I hope you don't mind, but I'll be linking this post in my blog today since you put things so wonderfully already!
ReplyDeleteHey Mrs. Slick, thanks so much for the link! I read through your blog a bit, I wish you & Mr. Slick the best as you begin to grow your family - I hope you come back here for some positive inspiration! :)
ReplyDeleteI completely agree. I was very nervous before having my first and read so many different books. Soon after he was born I realized it was all a crock. Not to mention, no two babies are alike. One book can't predict the right thing to do for them. Our instincts are definitely the most important things we need for guidance as parents.
ReplyDeleteThanks Dealirious Mama! It really is a huge crock. Especially because Ezzo does stress 'flexibility' so much, that's why I put the silly book down. If the most important thing is feeding my baby when they are hungry, what am I trying to adjust the daily schedule by 15, 30 minutes for anyway? What does it matter? Also, his daily schedule for nursing and sleeping is pretty much what the average baby will naturally fall into (mine did) if they have a loving parent watching their cues and helping them out. There are so many parents giving Babywise credit for something their child most likely would have done on their own. Maybe with the same amount of crying, but less crying alone. Three cheers for trusting your instincts and being confident about it!
ReplyDeleteBrilliant & so authentic! Thank you for sharing this!
ReplyDeleteThank you for reading Sondra! xoxo
ReplyDeleteGreat post! I was raised by a "posh" mom who trusted her gut when it came to feeding her babies. Thanks to her all four of my babies have been fed when hungry and soothed to sleep as needed.
ReplyDeleteNonetheless, I've been pulled in to the Ezzo debate somewhat because ... well, someone has to speak up for the little neglected babies!
I've actually been surprised at how many non Christians follow his "secular" version of the book. This has led me to believe that what Ezzo is promoting is a cultural belief, based not on Christian practice, but on myths prevalent in our society. Ezzo preys on the myth that snuggling will spoil the baby and develop a pattern where he'll never be able to fall asleep on his own.
I hope that more and more mamas (and papas) will speak up in advocacy for babies and that eventually the fear and myth that surrounds Babywise parenting will be replaced with confidence and trust.
Thanks for your wonderful comment Carole!
ReplyDeleteBabywise was so incredibly huge in my small church when I had my first baby (who is about to turn 11) that it was practically part of the doctrine. We obediently attended the classes, read the books, than proceeded to do what the others in the class did: PRETEND to follow it, but actually do exactly what we wanted in secret...rock our babies and put them to bed with us and let them have a binki or a blankey or a whathaveyou and feed them when they were hungry. Years later when we all had enough confidence (gasp!) to admit it, we all had a good laugh. My hubby and I still snort when we hand our kids a "sleep prop..." The Ezzos would frown on us, I expect. But I can't see a copy of their book without rolling my eyes.
ReplyDelete:) I have heard the pressure on Preparation for Parenting courses in some churches is enormous, I'm so glad you and your friends did the right thing by your kids Melyssa!
ReplyDeleteOh girl, do I agree with you! I read the book and at first was encouraged and ready to implement the process. But I started feeling guilty that things didn't turn out the way Ezzo said it should. And rather than heap guilt on myself at a time when new mothers are ALREADY prone to guilt...I tossed the book. At 2 months we had our baby girl sleeping like a rock in her own crib and the feeding schedule/pumping schedule down pat. All from instinct. I really like what a previous poster said her grandfather told her. I've often thought the same thing...centuries of people have delivered babies without classes, books, breathing techniques...and when it came down to it all those things made me feel less capable. And it is incredulous that anyone would say you should rock your baby to sleep. The best times in my entire world are spent with my daughter for the 15 minutes before she goes to bed. How dare anyone rob that precious time from any parent. I wrote a blog post about this very thing back when my daughter was a few months old.
ReplyDeleteThanks for your review. I am brand spanking new to your blog and gobbled up every word. Now off to check out the rest of what you've got going on here!
Thank you so much Rebecca! I'm off to check out your blog as well....I love what you said here and I SO agree! 'The best times in my entire world are spent with my daughter for the 15 minutes before she goes to bed. How dare anyone rob that precious time from any parent.'
ReplyDeleteBabywise suggests that it is selfish for a parent to enjoy this, that it is robbing them of learning self-independence in self-soothing and robbing them of needed sleep. Unbelievable!!!
I love the photo on your blog. Nice post, this one, too.
ReplyDeleteWell written and well said! I am so fed up with people trying to train babies. If having a child upsets your life, don't have one. They are human beings just like us, not robots. Thank you for taking the time to read that book and commenting on it :)
ReplyDeleteThank you Alison & Kristy!
ReplyDeleteThanks for the encouraging words, Mrs. Katherine! *grin*
ReplyDeleteYour post was linked in today's "Ezzo Week
Around the Web" post as part of the 8th
Annual Ezzo Week 2011! Here's the link...
http://www.tulipgirl.com/index.php/2011/07/ezzo-week-around-the-web-711/
Gary Ezzo is going to get an awesome handshake from God when he gets to heaven I expect, by continuing to promote a biblical view of patenting despite such opposition.
ReplyDeleteBaby Wise us not abou rules and regulations and schedules; its about order and control and the needs of parents and babies. So many people reject the books because it is hard, and neglect Gary's heart. He doesn't want children or parents to suffer at all.
Yes we can say God is love and grace and He is but God also frequently allows us to endure hardships for our own good even when we don't understand it, because he sees the bigger picture. Much like a parent who can teach their baby to self settle even when it's hard. The relationship is the key; when the baby knows it's needs are met and they can trust the parent, they are not psychologically scarred.
It really bothers me when people blog on about this. If you're a Christian do you have the freedom to publicly arrack a fellow brother? If you don't agree with the principles that is fine, but do not attack the man! We should be supporting each other even when doctrinally disagree, not dragging each other down.
I wrote my own blog in reply. http://diaryofastay-at-home-mum.blogspot.com/2011/07/why-im-anti-anti-babywise.html
ReplyDeleteThanks for commenting Jess, but I think you are extremely confused on the character of God, and confused on the principles of Babywise. It is NOT Biblical at all and is based on modern cultural myths. Your comment is full of contradictions, how can Babywise be about order and control without rules and regulations and schedules? God may allow hardships but that is not His desire for us, it breaks His heart and is the result of sin in the world! God is a loving and gracious and ultimately gave us FREE WILL. He never forces us and ALWAYS has loving open arms when we cry out to him. It is wrong for a Christian to put themselves in the place of God when it comes to their relationships with their children, with their spouses, with anyone. I am happy to exercise my freedom to voice concern when I see Christianity abused and twisted in this way. You will not find me supporting Quiverfull patriarchy either, I completely disagree with your suggestion that abuse should be supported by other Christians on the grounds that the abuser stamps the word 'Christian' on their forehead.
ReplyDeleteI do agree when you say 'The relationship is the key; when the baby knows it's needs are met and they can trust the parent' but I wholeheartedly believe this is best accomplished by meeting an infants most basic needs on their terms, not by exercising order and control over them on my terms. Looking forward to reading your blog response.
Thank you so much for reposting my blog Tulipgirl!! I am proud for it to be a part of Ezzo week!
ReplyDeleteWOW! just catching up on some o f the newer comments here. Nice/perfectly put response to Jess. I'm pretty sure a God full of grace would want us to show the same to our children- from infanthood through adulthood. Thanks Katie.
ReplyDeleteLove this! I totally agree with you. Children are such an amazing blessing! I want my little man to grow up feeling loved and secure...Not like the nuisance that this book implies.
ReplyDeleteGod builds the habits into our children that ezzo tries to force on them. I love the way you wrote this. I love your responses to comments
ReplyDeleteWe are to hold up what other Christians are saying to the light of the scriptures and what we see of the heart of God.
Some babies have smaller stomachss or digest faster. Some of us store milk and some produce as baby nurses.
Every baby is different. God made us all unique. Their personalities start so soon after birth! My little man likes standing and looking around. Some babies just like to sit or cuddle! He eats more often for longer and has gotten himself into a great pattern all his own.
The more we force our kids to defy their own internal clocks the more we'll find disappointment when things don't work out. Most breastfed babies do need to wake up at some point to nurse. It's unfair to expect all babies to do something only a few are capable of.(sleeping 12hours straight in the first months)
If needs are met, crying stops and may nit even start if you're watching cues. It teaches trust and good communication.
Thank you Grace! And I really appreciate your comment Oli, thank you for reading!
ReplyDeleteThank you for posting your opinion on this subject/book. I'm currently pregnant with our first baby. I've had many Christian parents tell me that I MUST read BabyWise and it works wonderfully. I've also made it a point to read about differing views and how babies cry to communicate a need.
ReplyDeleteSometimes it is overwhelming trying to make sense of it all, not just about sleeping/feeding schedules but EVERYTHING that goes into raising a child. As a Christian, I can see God shaping our view as we continue to pray about every decision we make regarding our little blessing, extending grace and mercy when we do mess up because we will, and trusting God to give us wisdom.
Congratulations Jenny! It really can be overwhelming, I remember reading baby books while pregnant with my first baby and all the sleeping and eating schedules didn't make much sense, it all felt like greek to me! And then when my baby was born it became more concrete, we definitely tried different things trying to learn her and figure ourselves out as parents. Ultimately relying on your instincts and trusting in God will get you far! Not worrying too much about the mistakes and being continually open to learning has been key for me too.
ReplyDelete