teaching gentleness

to little gentlemen is my primary task in daily life with 17 month old twin sons. How best do to it?

I grew up with spankings for discipline, I don't know what my parents remember or think of those days but in my own memories I know I felt like I deserved what was given. I remember being spoken to in serious, low tones and looked right in the eyes with explanation of why what I did was wrong. The resulting consequence was detailed next, followed by a calm count of '1 2 3' with the consequential spank followed by big hugs and words of love. Spanks were usually by hand but sometimes with a wooden spoon, most memorably the time my Dad surprisingly whacked the spoon across the bottom of his own shoe, going through the motion but wanting to spare me on my birthday. Love you forever Daddy!

I never realized how abusive spanking could be until I was fully grown and had conversations with friends who commiserated that they were also spanked, but their stories were of parental anger provoked by simple things like a missing pair of scissors and countless strikes not limited to a clothed bottom. Stories of shoes thrown viciously at small heads in drunken anger, smacks across the face accompanied by cruel words, and far worse. WOW, I had never felt afraid of my parents. What my friends knew as spanking was NOT what 'spanking as discipline' had been for me.

In defense of the way I was parented and lovingly disciplined I felt there was a 'right' way to spank, and naturally did the same thing when I became a parent myself. Around 2 years of age my daughter gave me a wild eyed look and ran as fast as she could into a busy street, laughing at me as I screamed at her to 'STOP'!! She was quickly captured, the danger and wrongdoing of her actions explained, a count of '1 2 3'....and you know the rest. Same thing when she gave me that daredevil grin and proudly unbuckled her seatbelt while we were hauling down the interstate, after pulling over three times in a row as she giggly continued her game I finally gave her the consequence I thought would help her tiny mind to get it. Guess what she has NEVER run into the street since and has been stringent in observing our rule of waiting to unbuckle until the driver does. So did discipline by spanking 'work'? I suppose so. But spanking had only been one tool used only on occasion and primarily for safety issues, simply talking to her and most importantly guiding her in advance toward positive behavior were the most stellar stars in my toolbox. Especially after watching the phenomenon of my little girl at three effectively put herself in time-out by voluntarily choosing to go into her 'mad house' when she became frustrated and angry I started to seek out the wisdom of a few super posh friends who never spanked their kids and began to wonder if some of the other, more gentle means I employed wouldn't have worked just as well for those times I felt a swift swat had been necessary.

Her little brother came along, and no matter what he did a spanking in response never felt right. I purposed to tap into these children, to respect their journey of learning and decided that physical force no matter how graciously metered out and lovingly given did not have a place in our relationship. Being surprised with twin boys next, I was so grateful for my new conviction as I could not imagine having a physical relationship involving anything but hugs and kisses with so many boys who promise to soon be big strong men.

Oh but darn....they have a few physically violent ideas of their own. Like little angry animals soon after they turned a year they started going after each other tooth and fist first in the quest to stake territory over treats, toys and yep even my breasts. Yikes! What to do?? I had learned quickly with my daughter that hitting a child in attempt teach them not to hit felt.....insane. I mean seriously.

So it's been all about how it feels to be hurt. Not posh for anyone right? Certainly not for me, and those rolling tears I see my tiny men cry when they are victims of each other say they don't enjoy it either. Talking to them like they are people (what a concept!) and knowing teaching will take time is starting to pay off. Today one little son got mad, going after my face with slapping hands and his twin came running to my rescue saying 'no no no' with a waving finger and got his brothers attention. The angry one stopped and suddenly they both started saying 'gentle' while softly patting my cheeks, following up with kisses. SWEET SUCCESS!!!

Teaching a child the joy of making good decisions on their own takes time and patience while imparting a lesson deeper, truer and so much more meaningful than immediate compliance forced by fear.

I hope Michael and Debi Pearl learn this truth in light of the tragic death of a child at the hands of their discipline method detailed in their books 'To Train Up A Child'.

Yes I had major beef with Babywise but my friend Mary is right that it makes the abuse sanctioned by the Ezzos small potatoes compared to the family violence encouraged by the Pearls. All based on the Bible, with tragic human error in interpretation. The rod. Intended to be a gift of guidance, twisted to be a tool of torture. How and why? Dark deception, exactly how and why I am heartbroken over and overwhelmed in attempt to apologize for.

Please, teach and model gentleness in your life, beyond your children and to everyone you encounter. Regardless of what some 'Christians' preach know that Jesus Christ taught and modeled the treatment of any person and especially the smallest to be simply of grace and sacrificial love.

And PLEASE read Mary's moving post on this issue, don't forget to watch the Anderson Cooper clip and pray for the Pearls to have a serious change of heart, along with anyone deceived by their tragically flawed parenting principles.