My beef with Babywise

Modern parents seem incapable of raising their children without reaching for a book detailing some sort of program, schedule, or method developed by an 'expert'. I was one of those parents. Inundated by the advice of others 'Oh you MUST read Dr. Weissbluth', or 'Happiest Baby On The Block' changed my life! or 'If you ever want to sleep again you must train your baby - BABYWISE them!' I quickly acquired a stack of baby care books, baby play books and baby sleep books. My first baby, my sweet little daughter was a very demanding infant. At least as a brand-new mom who couldn't remember actually ever changing a diaper in my life and had never seen anyone breastfeed I was confused and overwhelmed at how much one tiny little baby cried, how hard she was to burp, how little she slept and how she was happy in just one place - on my chest.

When I first read 'Babywise' I thought I had found the answer to life! I think I remember crying with relief. Finally somebody made it so straightforward and simple with a to-the-minute schedule of the day detailing exactly what to do with my baby to make her healthy, happy and sleep like a tank through the night. Sweet!

Not so sweet for my poor baby, who didn't understand why I was laying her down and walking away from her while she cried, or attempting to keep her awake a little longer when she was clearly sleepy, and holding off for 15 minutes to feed her because the clock said it wasn't time yet. It wasn't long until it was obvious to me this method had a whole lot of holes in it.

I had been especially swayed by the first chapter of the book, where Ezzo emphasizes the marriage relationship as the foundation of the family. Well of course! My husband and I are the glue that holds it all together, in fact none of these other little people would even be here if it weren't for our connection and our first responsibility to our children is to stay together and stay in love so we can best provide and care for them. TOGETHER. The solidarity of our relationship gives our children their ultimate sense of security. But over time, I began to see how Gary Ezzo twists this beautiful family structure to a point where the husband-wife relationship is so elevated that children become antagonists, their sinful demands needing to be controlled to conform to our expectations and adult needs.

I am not interested in criticizing parents who use Babywise and sing it's praises. I assume people are being posh, using their brains and taking the best of any advice that speaks to them and employing it with caution, carefully modifying to fit the needs of their individual child.

But....I take issue with Gary Ezzo!

Starting with the conflicting messages through the book which get more confusing the more modified editions are released in effort to back-track on his extreme views.
'Don't feed your baby on demand, but feed them when they are hungry' What what??? umm...isn't that the same thing? If I'm supposed to feed my baby when they are hungry it makes more sense to me to anticipate their need and offer them milk when they start doing that cute little rooting thing with their mouth, long BEFORE they start crying. And does it really matter that I just nursed them for an hour 30 minutes ago if it's obvious they want to nurse and my swelling breasts are giving me the same message? An infant tummy is so tiny, Ezzo is so concerned with a mother getting 'full feedings' in her baby to create a few hours until she has to nurse again that he fails to recognize how fast babies eliminate what they eat and how quickly an empty tummy causes them discomfort. Ezzo's infant feeding plan gets well-deserved criticism for causing failure to thrive in infants, as his schedule of spaced-out timed feedings ends up a few meals shy of what the American Academy of Pediatrics recommends an infant get on demand through a 24-hour period.

And really, is 'feeding' the only thing that makes my breasts so attractive to my baby? Nursing is about SO much more than just nutrition! There is so much loving and learning happening when your baby is at your breast, so much hormonal balancing, emotional growth and physical rest. For BOTH mother and baby the benefits of constant closeness and natural nursing based on need far outweigh the benefits of any arbitrary schedule. Babywise not only fails to recognize the importance of comfort nursing, it paints your infant as your adversary for having this basic need for closeness and erroneously warns that you will spoil your child with comfort. Complete craziness!

What's also crazy and downright cruel in it's manipulation of insecure parents is the contrast of the two fictional babies whose stories are woven throughout the book. One a perfect Babywise baby who is happy, eats huge meals when food is offered on her expected schedule, sleeps through the night at just a few weeks of age and has happy, well-rested confident parents. In comparison is her nightmare terror cousin whose parents cater to her every whim, feeding her 'snacks' anytime she is hungry, never putting her down for naps consistently and live a mess of self-created chaos, exhausted and at the mercy of their selfish demanding child. Ezzo completely misconstrues the Attachment Parenting philosophy and presents a false choice, misleading good-hearted people who want so badly to do the best thing for their family.

He consistently demeans the needs of infants and emphasizes the importance of adult needs, one example is when he suggests it could be appropriate to veer from the schedule and feed your baby before it's time when you are on an airplane and your fussy baby is disturbing other passengers. What WHAT?? So pleasing random strangers is an important guide to decide how and when to meet the needs of my baby? This illustration is one of the first that sent red flags running for me, the theme of a child being a nuisance that must be controlled to please adults became more disheartening the more I read.

The Ezzo's have (and clearly need) a website to defend themselves, the opening testimony posted on their home page is most revealing of Ezzo's true feelings regarding infant humans. This family praises the Babywise method for blessing them by making it seem that 'it was not like having a baby in the family at all'. I have to ask, what's so wrong with having a baby in the family when your child IS A BABY? Newborns are are SO incredible! Yes they are a lot of work but it's a short time to cherish as truly there are few things in life endearing as a wrinkly little wiley-eyed new baby with their soft sugar-sack bodies, sweet little spastic arms and rooting little lips, desperately needing your attention and affection. Infants run purely on instincts in their fight for survival and for them it is as basic as 'I am small and you are big - hold me, protect me!' Doesn't everyone, from the fetal to the geriatric stage deserve appropriate care and respect, especially in the most vulnerable of times?

My biggest beef with Babywise has got to be the hijacking of Christianity. Earth to Ezzo.....Christianity began with forgiveness and an empty tomb, no need to be so Old Testament dude! Relax. Ezzo manipulates his Christian audience by promoting his method as 'God's Way' and it's clear he thinks parents should exercise God-like control over their sin-natured little ones. But isn't Christianity about Jesus? What did Jesus say about children, and how did He treat them? He acted in an incredibly compassionate way towards all people but especially the smallest ones, giving them the most amazing of His grace. Can you imagine Jesus Christ walking away from a distressed infant saying 'I let them cry it out and I love it! It's good for them!'?? A sentiment I've seen expressed on too many pro-Babywise blogs and forums. It's a conundrum how a method based on such an un-Christlike attitude is so popular among Christians. What is the true role of a Christian parent, and how is TRUE authority best achieved? It's the great paradox of serving to lead. Christian parents can be confident in kicking Babywise to the curb and looking no further than the example of Jesus Christ, basing their parenting principles in grace.

My daughter taught me so much about the legitimate needs of a baby and how amazingly, serving her needs resulted in meeting my own. Her little brother taught me more, and my identical twin sons are teaching me even more about how wonderfully unique every child is and how I'm capable of more than I think I am. My babies and I are happiest when I carry them close, when they are fed when they are hungry, and when I help them sleep when they are sleepy. Sleeping with them in my arms or on my chest did take a little getting used to, but it's how we all found the rest we needed through those early erratic months. Trusting that my babies know when they are tired and when they are hungry resulted in them creating a pretty predictable routine for themselves that is not too far off Ezzo's schedule anyway. Newborns can only comfortably stay awake for an hour or two and a basic rhythm of 'Eat Play Sleep' is a pretty natural development too, in time. No need to force it! I have also found that rocking and nursing a baby to sleep is bliss for both parties.

I'm not going to tell anyone exactly how to parent their child, only to find your expert within. You may not know it but you know far more about your baby than anyone else does, and YOUR BABY IS THE BEST BOOK! Observe and listen to them, they will tell you what they need and you are capable of giving it to them.

Let compassion guide your response, be loving, be gentle, give grace and enjoy your baby! Being a parent is the poshest job around!